The paradox of surrender

I was driving today in the car and proceeded to inform God that matters of the heart are so complicated. Then I asked Jesus if it was this tough for Him when He came to earth. 

 “Steph, being a human was hard; even for God,” He said.  

The last few months I have become more and more aware of my fleshly thoughts and motivations. Crying out to the Lord to create in me a clean heart, has produced a self awareness I believe one needs to encounter freedom. If sin is something you never allow your inner man to recognize then you will continue to transgress in ignorance. So the more time I spend gazing upon Jesus, the more evil my heart appears in the midst of thoughts, intentions and choices I make in this life. 

But let’s get back to the complexity of the human condition. Being mindful of my sin has been the first step to submitting myself to true sanctification. Then the task is to actually say “no” to whatever indulgence might be plaguing me at the moment. Next time when the opportunity avails itself, I stand up to my flesh and tell it to die. This is basic Christianity in that we are called to become dead to sin and alive in Christ. The more I say no to sin and yes to Jesus, the more the light of Christ can fill my heart.  

What I am also sensing is that sin builds up walls around our heart, keeping us from Christ. Our defense mechanisms are like the “mortar” keeping walls of sin built up around our soul. It is as we turn aside the desires of the flesh that these walls are torn down, enabling us to draw that much closer to God.  

In the middle of this battle with the soul, is the demand of intimacy. As we grow closer to Christ by spending time talking with Him and gazing on Him; a friendship is birthed. We begin to lean more on His ways and less on ours. This is beautiful and the best treasure a person could find. Becoming a companion of God is the most satisfying experience a human will have, but there are requirements that come with the place of closeness.  

Jesus is always close, the Word says He will never leave us nor forsake us. We are the ones who leave. When we chose to come back and say yes to His ways, walls in our soul are torn down. Intimacy with Christ flows out of surrender to the perfect One. The more we give control over to God, the closer we can go to Him, all the while saying no to sin which also gives us greater entrance.  

So, all of this to get to the hard part: true intimacy with Christ will flow out into our relationships with people or it is not valid. Ugh. That means when the walls of protection collapse and Christ is made more alive in me, I can not close myself off to other people, broken and imperfect. We can only get as close to Jesus as we allow our inner man to become open and vulnerable, but it can not stop there. The more I give my heart of clay to the Creator, the more open I am with others. The more I open up to others, the more I am likely to be wounded and hurt.  

The ways of the heart are difficult and shocking. It’s hard to bare the thought of giving myself solely to Christ to then have to offer that tender person back to mere humans. The consolation in this act is found in the truth that Christ in me is the hope of glory. Jesus increases in our soul as we kill the old man, so when I give away love to people, He is there in all His majesty. There is no end to His love and kindness, so the more I allow God to live inside of me, the more connected I am to that reality.  

Understanding that Jesus also had to experience the pains and wounds of humanity makes Him that much better of a friend. He knows the fear and trembling in which I continue to walk the road of faith. He also knows how to lead and guide my heart with a never ending flow of love that strikes my soul and causes me to give Him everything once again.