The Eroding Delusion

There is an echo throbbing deep in me that I can not stifle. Lately, it has gotten much louder and more evasive to my mind and soul. This echo is a knowing—an understanding that when I accepted Jesus I was born into more than just a religion. Deep down inside I know that saying yes to my Lord means saying yes to a life of suffering. It means dying to my own plans, agenda and desires for a comfortable American life, so that my hands are free to take up my Cross and follow Christ.

So much of my understanding of what it means to be a believer in Jesus has been rooted in false truth. I believed in this idea that Christians are to be healthy, wealthy and physically blessed. This thought that we should be provided for in every way and the world should be jealous because of the state of our “perfect” lives. And yet when we read the writing of Paul the Apostle (as well as the other apostles) we are struck with such a different view of Christianity. The man who was beaten, stoned and then killed for his religion. He went many nights hungry and almost died over and over. When I read the testimony of Paul and then glance over the state of my Christian life, I discover a great gulf. Where is the suffering?

All this to say I have started to embrace the pulse in my soul that desires to pick up my Cross. I intend to no longer drowned it out with the thud of my hard heart. I am in great need of a wake up call. I need a realization of what it means to serve Jesus and to know Him in “the fellowship of His sufferings.” I am gaining courage inside to ask Christ to help me know Him in the place of pain and suffering. I long to follow Him to the place of death and dying. I want my story to be a true testimony, not just a shallow attempt to satisfy my own needs through the work of salvation. I want to be a faithful witness. I want to look like Christ on this side of time.

The Poor Among Us

An estimated 1.02 billion people in the world go hungry.*

Recently, I have become somewhat bothered about my lack of compassion for the poor. Those who live in poverty are everywhere, from my city to Africa: the people who are forgotten and discarded by society. They struggle everyday to exist in world that could care less about them. They seem to be rejected and so unwanted by everyone and yet they are on the mind of the only Man who can save them.

I live my “simple” life in my beautiful house, with my vintage furniture and my fancy air purifier. I say that I have taken on a life of simplicity, in an effort to fight against the “American dream” and the Jones, yet I lack nothing. I go to be every night without a second thought about the meal I had for dinner or the breakfast I will have tomorrow. I can do that, day in and day out, because I am rich.

Rich and cold.

My heart does not break for kids who don’t get to eat tonight because the money meant for dinner went to but drugs. My soul does not hurt for elderly who have no way to go to the doctor even though they are in pain. My eyes do not see the people in the grocery store whose shoes are falling apart. My ears do not hear the cries coming from the mouth of the One who loves the poor the most. And my mind does not care that 800 million people have empty bellies and stomach cramps today.

I am cold and weak inside. I say I am alive, but am dead. I do not care about the poor.

So, I am on a journey to change things, mainly in my heart, but also in my life. I want to be a partner with God, who mentions the poor over 170 times in the Bible. And after reading a book about the love of money, the responsibility believers have to feed the poor and our call to help the most needy on the earth, I am takings steps to become more like Jesus and less like myself. I want to make this a part of my lifestyle, not something I do once a year. I want my pocket book to reflect the importance the poor have in my heart and in the heart of Jesus.

My main excuse holding back from helping the poor has been that it is just too much. Too many millions of poor people around the globe and one little me can’t do anything to make a difference. Where do I start? Who do I give money to? Where do I volunteer? I just kept pushing the issue to the sidelines because I felt overwhelmed and insignificant. I don’t have the resources or abilities to solve world poverty, so why try?

Too bad this answer does not excuse the fact that I was born into a rich country with a democratic government. This allows me to opportunity to give my money, time and voice to helping the poor. As a follower of Jesus, I have no choice in the matter. I will be held accountable for what I have done with the resources I have been given. If I bury my wealth in a field, and do nothing, I will answer for it. Because it matters to Jesus. It matters to Father God. And it matters to the Holy Spirit. The poor matter to God.

I am taking some really practical steps in helping the poor. The cool part is that by saying “yes” to this call, I am going to get major help and support from God. He is more into social justice then I am and will lead me perfectly. Here are a few things I am doing to try and break my cold heart:

– Give to a local family in need regularly.

– Look for an organization to support that helps feed poor people around the globe.

– Figure out how I can write congressmen and other leaders in my nation to voice my concern about the amount of poor and hungry people in America.

– Pray that God will do what only He can do and change my heart towards the poor. – Perhaps start volunteering at a nursing home that cares for the poor.

– Take time to actually feed the poor when it feels least convenient, like at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I could keep adding to this list, but I want to start out small.

Stay tuned for an awesome story about God providing opportunities for me to give and bless the poor through prophetic direction. He really does help us when we ask!!

*I found this fact online at the Food and Agricultural Organization of the United Nations.

Loving Well

Selfishness comes in many forms, but the more subtle expressions seem to be the most deadly. When we evaluate our own hearts, we can fool ourselves into thinking we are doing a pretty good job in walking out the second commandment. No hatred, bitterness or lust inside this heart towards anyone. But does the absence of blatant sin reflect that we are clear and free from selfish desire?

I am feeling the weight of conviction that when I withhold myself from others, I partake in selfishness. When I refuse to be a outflow of Jesus’ love, the self centered flesh takes over. I like my space comfortable, my time free and my heart safe. But by putting up walls to protect myself from others,, I am partnering with selfishness. When I choose me over those around me, I am in sin.

Serving others looks like loving freely, with no restraint or hesitation. It looks like inconvenience and death to all fear of man. Insecurity can kill love quickly, so without confidence that Jesus provides all the affirmation and acceptance I need, I will never step out and love extravagantly. I will continue to hide and branch out to love others only when it feels harmless or convenient.

Yet there is this Man who calls for death. He is asking His followers to allow Him to kill selfish pride and to go low in serving others. To open our hearts fully and abandon our lives to loving, radically and regularly. He is a consistent lover and He is asking His Bride to be the same. To look around her and ask the Holy Spirit, “how can I love and serve those around me right now?” The answer usually means giving; of my heart, of my pocket book, and of my time.

So the key to loving without restraint? I think it may be in the secrete place with Jesus. A person full of an eternal love is willing to risk a little to love people around them because they get sacrificial love. They approach the source of Living Water for all their spirit, soul and body needs to feel full. And then they pour out unbridled love on others from that place—with no ulterior motives.

But to love recklessly might not always be on the path to becoming like Jesus, you might say. Yes, of course wisdom must be paired with passionate selfless love, but to error on the side of wisdom in the name of “maturity” just masks selfish religion. We, or should I say I, must die to my self seeking and protective ways, and jump into the joy of loving freely. Oh the conviction I feel when I evaluate my standard of loving well. I am in such great need of a love that is pure, just and true.

Real Faith

Today I saw a picture in my minds-eye. I was standing on a cliff, over looking a valley. As I stood gazing at what was ahead, I felt the strongest winds blowing on my face. In the distance I saw a city, so beautiful and bright. I knew in my heart it was where I was headed and that in its walls I would find my safety. I would be home.

If someone were to ask me what has changed me the most over the last year, I would say it was my perspective—the way I view my life and reality around me. Funny, how perspective can be such a big deal, but yet not change much of a person’s circumstances or place in life. But at the same time it can totally reorient a person’s internal compass. Their direction of thoughts, worries and even interests can shift drastically when they see things from a different angle. This happened to me. In just one day God began to realign my understanding of the word “hope” and to give me a new perspective.

I have always loved the concept of having faith and believing in the invisible. A romantic at heart,  I have easily found myself clinging to hope for the future. Yet, time and time again I would hit this terrible, painful place where disappointment would settle in and my hope was postponed. It’s a famous verse in Proverbs: “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Oh how I have experienced the truth of this scripture! Yet, hope is suppose to be the anchor of our soul, so how does one live hoping and yet not being discouraged when life happens?

It’s a pretty popular perspective for Christians to place most of their hope and faith in the promises of God over their lives or over the Church in general. We are encouraged to pray our promises, read our prophetic words and even boldly proclaim them into the atmosphere. Yet, one can still do all those things and come up wanting. One can hold fast to the promise of revival, signs and wonders or even personal heart desires*, but at the end of the day, when those things don’t happen, or even worse, bad opposite things start to happen, we can begin to lose heart. We can begin to question who this God we serve really is and evaluate our ability to trust a Father who seems to withhold from His children. This is where bitterness and disillusionment seem to take root inside. We begin to falter.

This is because our hope as believers must be rooted in a promise much deeper and more eternal then our temporal lives. We must hope in this one thing: we will never die. Jesus was the First Born from the Dead. He died and then received His resurrected body first, as a testimony to all who would believe in Him. Now we have the Spirit of God in us, as a down payment or a guarantee of the promise that we too will be given resurrected bodies at the end of the age. The Father is going to raise us up, just like He did His Son!! This promise is what can give us hope and keep us steady on the journey.

Our hope must lie in the age to come, where there will be no more tears, pain, sorrow or death, and God will dwell with man in a literal sense. He will no longer be invisible, but establish His throne on earth. This truth can give us courage in our lives and give us an eternal perspective for our time here on earth. We no longer have to struggle to put all our faith in what God does in this age because we know that what He begins He will complete. This is just the beginning of an eternal life with Jesus. Our whole history with God does not end when we die. It only just begins.

Paul says we should groan and earnestly desire for the resurrection. It should be what our souls long for and consume our minds. And along with new, perfect bodies we will also receive a new home. We must not lose heart, but keep our eyes on a house not made with hands. The most magnificent home a person could ever dream of is being prepared by God Himself, so that we can be where He is. The New Jerusalem is being made ready for those in Christ and we will live there forever with God, in God and through God.

My heart is so thankful for the hope that does not disappoint. When people hurt me, situations disappoint me, loneliness overtakes me or really bad things happen in our world, I have an anchor in my heart. The promise of a homeland. This pilgrim must reminder herself everyday that she is just passing through and that her home lies ahead in an eternal city and in a heavenly country.

*please note that I am not discounting promises for this age. They are important and we should contend for them in prayer. But I do believe our primary hope and faith should be found in the resurrection and the New Jerusalem.

The Perfect Solution

Tonight I went to a banquet fundraiser for a pro-life women’s center. It was round tables set with fresh flowers and little sonogram decorations all around. I was amazed and so grateful to attend. This center makes a huge impact in their community and touches thousands of girls every year. They literally save lives by calling women to choose life instead of abortion. 

But I could not help to think of my tiny center on my side of town. As I ate my chocolate cake I sat there thinking of the girls I have talked with over the years. The young, black teenage girl scared to face the truth of pregnancy, the tears streaming down her face as I tell her of the news that will change her life forever. She sits in shock as I try to walk her through the steps of pregnancy. There is so much more I wish I could offer her, both financially and and in care, but really in that moment all that will ease her heart is the love of Jesus. I can give her my fancy pamphlets of statistics and  sign her up for classes on prenatal care, but at the end of the day what she needs most is an encounter with her Creator. He is the real strength she needs to get through her “crisis” and my role is to be a conduit of that love. 

So I celebrate the successes of saving babies and changing lives forever, but I do it remembering that Jesus must be the focal point of the life movement. He is enough for me and my little center. Even if I never have fancy banquets or extensive programs, I can still offer hope, faith and love. I can still be a voice declaring His kindness in forgiveness for all. And of His food and drink that lasts forever. And for that I am thankful.

Time to write

Recently I was encouraged to “write my own stuff”. It made me think of this blog. I have been incredibly unfaithful in blogging. I want to start writing articles, rather than just snippets from my life, although snippets can be interesting. But I would like to develop ideas, concepts and theological topics. 

I am in the  middle of auditing my first class at the Forerunner School of Ministry, entitled The Theology of Justice. The premiss is mainly to address the current social justice movement in the context of what the Bible declares about justice. I have had a few moments of shock, as my teacher has laid to waste large social change movements, stating them as unbiblical. 

There will be more to come, as I try to discover the truth of what real justice is, and our role in it.

Tree

There is a small tree in my bedroom. It sits in a pot on top of a pretty plant stand. Only one side of it seems to grown because I have always had it next to a wall. I have had this same plant for some years, which means this tree has survived more moves than any foliage should have to experience. It has always resided in my room, but for the last six months it has sat right next to my bed, so sometimes when I wake up it is the first thing I see in the morning. Somehow this brings me comfort; like an old friend who has traveled the seasons of life with you, right there living alongside you.

A few weeks ago my dear friend started getting new branches. To my knowledge this has never happened. New leaves, sure, but never new entire branches. (I must clarify that I am not the best plant owner and forget to water it for weeks at a time. So there’s been a few times I thought my tree was a goner, by the pile of leaves sitting on the floor around her base.) I must admit the new branches look a bit awkward: shooting out randomly and curling at the ends.

I have often wondered if my tree has out grown its pot because I hear this happens to plants. Once I even had my friend, a great plant lover, come inspect her roots in fear that she needed more space. But he assured me that the plant seemed to be doing just fine. It also boggles my mind that my plant does not need much sunlight. Over the years she has had long stretches of sitting far away from any windows, yet has managed to survive.

Lately, I can’t help but feel like this tree points to my internal heart. That just as my plant goes through seasons of abundance and new beginnings, so my soul comes to find itself wrapped in a new day. Right now does not feel so new, but I still wonder if perhaps I am on the brink of bursts of fresh perspective. Even though I feel like everything will be the same and I am standing still, I must believe I am on a journey towards new life. I guess when the dying seems real and painful inside, the living feels distant. The shedding of old things is like the shedding of old leaves: it makes a place for fresh leaves to grow. So I must believe that right around the corner is my time to bring forth new branches. Until then I will lean into Christ and allow Him to form the space for new life to come forth.

Clocking Out

Some of the most glorious times I have spent with the Lord are the times when I sneak away from my daily responsibilities just to be with Him. There is something so romantic and special about “stealing away” with God. Granted, He still comes to me in the mornings when I am not escaping the pressure of meetings, emails and work, but I have always loved those extra moments.

I guess what I really value more than the extra hour or so of time, is the movement in my heart that gets me back to His feet; when I feel the ache and the “I just miss Him” feeling in my chest. I LOVE when I experience this because it reminds me that I’m alive and need God’s love above anything else. 

Anyways, I had one of “those” moments today. I was in between meetings, stressed about my long list of things to do and bummed I had not gotten my morning time with God. So I decided to head into the prayer room, even if it was only for an hour and the room was packed with folks as anxious as I, to hear Misty play again. 

Highlights from my “stolen time”:

-She sang “Come into Your Garden” (a very special song between me and the Lord)

– God spoke an incredibly loving rebuke that my heart seriously needed!! 

– I was able to sit on the floor, bawl my eyes out and forget about everything else but Him. 

My hour came to an end so fast and I was tempted to ditch my meeting, but pulled myself back into real time. I am so glad God is about quality over quantity and really can do a deep work in a short amount of human “time”. He exists outside of our reality, so I get that my time segments are of no real consequence to Him. 

I know I promised to write about my 21 day consecration, but I will soon! Life got in the way and when I sat down to blog, other things came out. I plan to get to it soon and write a more substantial post, so stay tuned…

Unexpected Gift

Today I had quite the adventure! About a month ago I was hired to substitute teach at a local public school district, but didn’t get around to actually teaching until today. It was a half day and fit into my schedule, so I registered online to take the high school class. I was unsure of what subject I would be teaching because it was titled “life skills” online.

I was nervous about my first day and praying that I would have a good experience. High school kids can be intimidating and I wanted to be assertive. Well, when I arrived to the classroom I was surprised to discover it was a special ed class. The teacher quickly explained about the different kids in her class and told me about a few medical issues some of the kids have, including seizures that cause blocked airways (um that sounds scary). At this point my nerves just increased, but there were three nurses assigned to specific students in the class and they seemed to handle things amazingly. Before the teacher left she told me they would be doing most of the work and I was just there as a support. I sighed a sigh of relief.

But then two of the nurses announced they were leaving only an hour into my first day. “What, you are leaving me??” I thought. They left a few other assistants, but all nurses were leaving the room. I made friends with one of the students and we spent most of the time working on a puzzle. There was a medical glitch, which I inadvertently caused with him, but it was smoothed out. I was amazed at how much these kids won my heart in only a few hours. They were so sweet, helpful and open. One student emailed his mom at work and when I asked him what he was going to write in the email, he looked up and said, “you.” I watched him type out the short email and he wrote to his mom that I was “cool”. I imagined that his mom must love him so much and I realized how blessed these families must feel to have such sweet kids in their lives. As I talked with these students and interacted with them for the few hours I was in their day, I was struck with the simplicity of how wonderful it feels to just be yourself. These kids are fully who they are with no insecurity and it made me jealous to do the same.

All in all, I could not have asked for a better first day of subbing. When one of the assistance discovered it was my first job ever substitute teaching she said, “wow, I can’t believe you got us!! I bet you won’t ever want to come back!”.

But she could not have been more wrong. 

What a Bargain!

Just returned from a short trip to Springfield, Missouri. It was my last benefit fair for my Dad’s company this year. I get to sit at a booth and inform employees all about their amazing eye care and why our company is the best. It’s easy to do, but after the 167th person arrives to my table and wants to know why they should choose us, I withhold my desire to say, “because I said so,” and give the bullet point explanation one more time. 

I had a few interesting moments while dinning in the town of Springfield. I must preface the story with the fact that while on business trips my company pays for all my meals, so it’s nice not to have to order water and crackers to save on cash. So, I was ordering dinner at Panera from a nice young lady last night. I told her I wanted a bread bowl and apple chicken salad. “Do you want the pick two?” she asked me. “Nope, I want a big salad,” I replied. “What side would you like with that?” “Chips.” “What side would you like with that?” “Uhhh, I get two?” She shook her head yes.

At this point I knew I couldn’t muster the idea of one more starchy side, so I opted for dessert. “Can I get a cookie?” “Well, I can give you one,” she said hesitantly. “I can pay extra for it,” I said excitedly. (really I can, I have an alloted source of funds here, lady). “No, it’s ok. I can just give you one.” This is when she proceeded to try and give me a day-old, free cookie. 

I then went to Quizno Subs for lunch today. (I have a hard time there because all the sandwiches are so extreme…turkey, swiss, bacon, ranch or bacon, ham, cheddar. Just give me one meat and one cheese please!!) So, I asked for a turkey sandwich. The lady behind the counter asked if I wanted cheddar cheese. “No, swiss please,” I responded.

Then after noticing some of the other sandwich descriptions I said, “Can I please have guacamole on that?” She looked at me with hesitation. I’m confused now because I know they make it, but she is refusing to put it on my sandwich.  “I can pay extra for it,” I say for the second time in 24 hours. “No, I will just give you a little bit,” she replied, as she gave me a small amount. 

At this point I gave up and allowed her to give me a little “free” guacamole. It was comical and a bit odd that I was trying to convince these people to let me pay for my requests. Never had a consumer met such opposition in an attempt to spend some extra funds. 

On a separate note I drove past a life-size nativity scene right in front of a McDonalds restaurant on my way out of town. It was painted, wooden figurines and the best part was that someone had painted the word “Jesus” over the top of the manger with the baby laying in it. Just incase someone was unsure who the star of the story really was….priceless really. (I attempted a quick pic from my phone, but I was too far away)

Stay tuned for more in depth blogging. I want to write about being presently minded about the age to come. I’m in the middle of a 21-day intensive about this very subject. I really want to love God with my whole mind and I find my biggest enemy is thinking upon the future in this life ALL the time. I promise to post tomorrow so check back!